Back in Big Sky Country

In the airport on the way back to Montana, definitely a harder goodbye for me the second time around. It’s mostly the fact that there’s no mystery or wonder. I know exactly what I’m getting into, which is amazing, but known.
I came home for my 18 year old cousin’s funeral. The death of someone my age is a rough enough fact, but the fact that it was someone that I loved like crazy hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was pissed, heartbroken, jealous, and confused all at the same time. But we’re all learning through our mourning that her leaving us was just the accelerated continuation of her influence on the ones she left behind.
I knew when I left my family and friends for 5 months that it would probably be harder on them than me, simply because I’m doing something completely new while they’re doing roughly the same thing with the absence of me.
Heather made that concept all too real for all of us.
The hardest part was being away from my family when I heard the news and began to figure out what to do. Surrounded by people who barely know me and want to comfort me but have no idea what to do. Then some people who just wanted to say sappy stuff to make me cry or the ones that thought I was overreacting cause it was “just my cousin.” My heart aches for people who are so distant from their families.
But once I got home the healing began. Just being around family laughing and crying and understanding each other was amazing.
Then I had my friends. Simply NOTHING like them. Gosh they’re all so amazing. It had only been a couple weeks but we reunited like it had been years, we love so deep.

Being back in Montana has been AWESOME. Sometimes it feels like I was gone for months, other times it feels like I didn’t leave at all.
One thing that has been on my mind this week is something Jesse said to me last night. I was talking about how I often find myself in leadership positions, then just get exhausted trying to make sure the people I’m called to lead are in a perfect place doing everything right. For so long in my past I rebelled against the idea of being a leader simply because it was so draining and no fun, so I would deliberately do things to be a part of groups and crowds so that I wouldn’t stand out or have to lead anyone.
When Jesse heard this he told me that there’s only one thing that I have to do.
Obey God.
Pretty simple.
For so long I had been subconsciously appointing myself someone’s leader, then being so hurt and feeling like a failure when they didn’t change or follow me.
But really all I have to do is obey.
If God tells me to call someone out about something, or encourage them, or not take part in something, simply obey.
It takes all the pressure off of changing anyone or leading perfectly. As long as I’m constantly obeying everything God wants me to do then there’s literally nothing I could be doing better, and it puts all the pressure on God to work in people’s lives.
Aahhhhhh…