In the airport on the way back to Montana, definitely a harder goodbye for me the second time around. It’s mostly the fact that there’s no mystery or wonder. I know exactly what I’m getting into, which is amazing, but known.
I came home for my 18 year old cousin’s funeral. The death of someone my age is a rough enough fact, but the fact that it was someone that I loved like crazy hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was pissed, heartbroken, jealous, and confused all at the same time. But we’re all learning through our mourning that her leaving us was just the accelerated continuation of her influence on the ones she left behind.
I knew when I left my family and friends for 5 months that it would probably be harder on them than me, simply because I’m doing something completely new while they’re doing roughly the same thing with the absence of me.
Heather made that concept all too real for all of us.
The hardest part was being away from my family when I heard the news and began to figure out what to do. Surrounded by people who barely know me and want to comfort me but have no idea what to do. Then some people who just wanted to say sappy stuff to make me cry or the ones that thought I was overreacting cause it was “just my cousin.” My heart aches for people who are so distant from their families.
But once I got home the healing began. Just being around family laughing and crying and understanding each other was amazing.
Then I had my friends. Simply NOTHING like them. Gosh they’re all so amazing. It had only been a couple weeks but we reunited like it had been years, we love so deep.
Being back in Montana has been AWESOME. Sometimes it feels like I was gone for months, other times it feels like I didn’t leave at all.
One thing that has been on my mind this week is something Jesse said to me last night. I was talking about how I often find myself in leadership positions, then just get exhausted trying to make sure the people I’m called to lead are in a perfect place doing everything right. For so long in my past I rebelled against the idea of being a leader simply because it was so draining and no fun, so I would deliberately do things to be a part of groups and crowds so that I wouldn’t stand out or have to lead anyone.
When Jesse heard this he told me that there’s only one thing that I have to do.
Obey God.
Pretty simple.
For so long I had been subconsciously appointing myself someone’s leader, then being so hurt and feeling like a failure when they didn’t change or follow me.
But really all I have to do is obey.
If God tells me to call someone out about something, or encourage them, or not take part in something, simply obey.
It takes all the pressure off of changing anyone or leading perfectly. As long as I’m constantly obeying everything God wants me to do then there’s literally nothing I could be doing better, and it puts all the pressure on God to work in people’s lives.
Aahhhhhh…
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I don't wanna ride on somebody else's passion
Day 10 of 150. NBD.
Well yesterday was rough, I was tired and pissy then music track was extremely disorganized and frustrating. As a track we're going TOMORROW to a youth group festival to play so we were trying to organize the bands and choose songs and it was going nowhere. On top of the stress of figuring out bands, I got to think about preforming with a band that has only existed for a matter of hours. Tired and frustrated enough, I just sat back and tried to opt out. I just wanted to hang out with the kids this time, and wait till I was a part of a band of people that played well together and practiced often before i preformed.
Turns out I'm leading worship for the band tomorrow and playing drums for the second band saturday.
So much for opting out.
uugghhh so in the middle of this stress I realize that a video I had stayed up way late trying to record, then retried in the morning, had failed again.
There IS a happy ending though. God has blessed me with amazing friends.
One of them took the brunt of my frustration and without skipping a beat just encouraged me in a few words. Enough to turn the day around.
With my new perspective and peace and a couple free hours I took a wonderful nap.
Then had an awesome one on one with my small group leader who is the BOMB.
Then as icing on the cake I had an amazing conversation with someone who I can be completely vulnerable with. We have such a respect for each other and even in disagreements we meditate on the others opinion instead of arguing. Such a rare and precious thing.
So that sums up yesterday. I don't really know where to start with today. It was insane.
We just had a time of very raw confession and healing and through knowing each others struggles and downfalls it opened the door to love each other that much more.
We can only be loved to the extent that we are known.
So after literally about 5 hours of hearing each other cry, there's an overwhelming amount of hearts opened to be loved.
Everyone has been walking around like turtles without shells all day, and its awesome.
Well yesterday was rough, I was tired and pissy then music track was extremely disorganized and frustrating. As a track we're going TOMORROW to a youth group festival to play so we were trying to organize the bands and choose songs and it was going nowhere. On top of the stress of figuring out bands, I got to think about preforming with a band that has only existed for a matter of hours. Tired and frustrated enough, I just sat back and tried to opt out. I just wanted to hang out with the kids this time, and wait till I was a part of a band of people that played well together and practiced often before i preformed.
Turns out I'm leading worship for the band tomorrow and playing drums for the second band saturday.
So much for opting out.
uugghhh so in the middle of this stress I realize that a video I had stayed up way late trying to record, then retried in the morning, had failed again.
There IS a happy ending though. God has blessed me with amazing friends.
One of them took the brunt of my frustration and without skipping a beat just encouraged me in a few words. Enough to turn the day around.
With my new perspective and peace and a couple free hours I took a wonderful nap.
Then had an awesome one on one with my small group leader who is the BOMB.
Then as icing on the cake I had an amazing conversation with someone who I can be completely vulnerable with. We have such a respect for each other and even in disagreements we meditate on the others opinion instead of arguing. Such a rare and precious thing.
So that sums up yesterday. I don't really know where to start with today. It was insane.
We just had a time of very raw confession and healing and through knowing each others struggles and downfalls it opened the door to love each other that much more.
We can only be loved to the extent that we are known.
So after literally about 5 hours of hearing each other cry, there's an overwhelming amount of hearts opened to be loved.
Everyone has been walking around like turtles without shells all day, and its awesome.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Immersion
So I had my first experience of "Immersion" in the past 24 hours and it's been.. crazy.
It started with a dancer who's just oozing with shameless love for Jesus inviting me to a "soaking session" in her room with some people. I learned that this was simply a time to invite the presence of God then listen to worship music and sit back and soak it up.
So I went, kinda desperate for some attention from God.
I left pissed.
He was definitely there, then He told me to read James. Which pretty much told me more flaws I had and how I was a hypocrite and a fool. Freakin A God!! I know I'm screwed up but I came here to "soak" you not to hear that!
Well I took it in stride, cause even though i hate it, i'm pretty used to finding out stuff that sucks about me. But then this morning we had our first "emersion" time as a whole DTS (YWAMers like to swim with God apparently) but it consisted of (talented musicians playing amazing) worship music and the hope that through emersion in everything that God is, people would be inspired to pray for each other.
Well taking James' advice, I kept a tight reign on my tongue all morning, and decided that I wasn't going to talk to anyone or even pray for anyone unless God was unmistakably telling me to. I'm usually praying for God to show me what to pray then going around praying for everyone I can. But I took the risk and humbly asked God to bless me. Which was super hard for me to just trust and wait.
Then someone read from the crowd how God disciplines the ones he loves, and asked what kind of father he would be if he didn't. Then all that conviction that I'd been feeling suddenly felt like love. Cause I know how my human parents love me, and how thankful I am for their discipline, but for some reason it never clicked till today that that's what God was doing with me.
Then, as if God could hear me or cared or something, two people came up and prayed for ME! I had never met one of them and barely knew the other but they just told me how my pursuit is not in vain and that I would be blessed. The music was loud so I didn't hear everything they said, but simply the fact that they took time for me was such. a blessing.
Then a friend came up and put his arm around me. And stayed there. A whole lot longer than, "hey bud I care about you." He just stood there and sang with his arm around me, hard to explain how awesome that was
So yeah, never really consciously immersed or soaked with Jesus until the past 24 hours, but now I'm definitely a fan
It started with a dancer who's just oozing with shameless love for Jesus inviting me to a "soaking session" in her room with some people. I learned that this was simply a time to invite the presence of God then listen to worship music and sit back and soak it up.
So I went, kinda desperate for some attention from God.
I left pissed.
He was definitely there, then He told me to read James. Which pretty much told me more flaws I had and how I was a hypocrite and a fool. Freakin A God!! I know I'm screwed up but I came here to "soak" you not to hear that!
Well I took it in stride, cause even though i hate it, i'm pretty used to finding out stuff that sucks about me. But then this morning we had our first "emersion" time as a whole DTS (YWAMers like to swim with God apparently) but it consisted of (talented musicians playing amazing) worship music and the hope that through emersion in everything that God is, people would be inspired to pray for each other.
Well taking James' advice, I kept a tight reign on my tongue all morning, and decided that I wasn't going to talk to anyone or even pray for anyone unless God was unmistakably telling me to. I'm usually praying for God to show me what to pray then going around praying for everyone I can. But I took the risk and humbly asked God to bless me. Which was super hard for me to just trust and wait.
Then someone read from the crowd how God disciplines the ones he loves, and asked what kind of father he would be if he didn't. Then all that conviction that I'd been feeling suddenly felt like love. Cause I know how my human parents love me, and how thankful I am for their discipline, but for some reason it never clicked till today that that's what God was doing with me.
Then, as if God could hear me or cared or something, two people came up and prayed for ME! I had never met one of them and barely knew the other but they just told me how my pursuit is not in vain and that I would be blessed. The music was loud so I didn't hear everything they said, but simply the fact that they took time for me was such. a blessing.
Then a friend came up and put his arm around me. And stayed there. A whole lot longer than, "hey bud I care about you." He just stood there and sang with his arm around me, hard to explain how awesome that was
So yeah, never really consciously immersed or soaked with Jesus until the past 24 hours, but now I'm definitely a fan
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Movies and Grace
Stand By Me; really a 2 hour long prayer. I have Preston to thank for my spiritual attachment to movies. But just seeing what matters to a 12 year old boy and remembering being there myself is so powerful. Then the whole idea of Ace and the older punks driving a car to the same destination that took Gordy and his friends 2 days of struggle to get to is such a picture of instant gratification, and the emptiness in it.
"Suck my fat one you cheap dime store hood." Great words for the enemy. He puts his knife away and walks back to the truck in shame every time.
While we're on the subject, everyone who has the chance should go see Tangled. Talk about a story of pursuit and seeking truth. Phew, might've gotten a little glassy eyed.
In case you're getting worried, God's been speaking to me through more than just movies. Chris Lautsbaugh gave an amazing week of lecture on Grace. He started out by giving us a thorough understanding of OT Law and how God's standard is perfection, so the only way to make it to heaven would be to sacrifice for every sinful thought, motive, or action. Then he went through the extensive process of ONE sacrifice and it was soon very tangible how utterly impossible it is to obtain God's standard.
Then we got the good news: Grace.
Jesus + anything = nothing
Jusus + nothing = everything
We try to make it Jesus plus reading the bible, missions, tithing, going to church, etc. but when we do that, we're actually getting farther from the relationship God desires. We should be doing those things out of relational desire to make our father pleased, not as a means to an end.
Chris explained this by telling us how OT slaves were slaves by choice, it was simply an agreement to live with and work for a person for 7 years for a set salary. There was the option in the legal system for the buyer of the slave to purchase a Redemption Ticket. The Redemption Ticket was bought at the same time the slave was bought and it made the slave free. The catch, however, is that the slave was not only free, but was still supplied with optional room and board and still was paid his salary! Obviously, this didn't happen very often. But thats exactly the analogy Paul uses when trying to explain Jesus to the Church in Rome:
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24.
When this did happen, in almost every case, the redeemed slave would serve their buyer by choice, in love, instead of obligation to a contract.
Yeeyuh.
This weekend has been pretty awesome. Aside from the fact that some people dont understand my introverted side and get offended when I need to be alone.
Figured out our small groups today. Siiiiked about my small group leader Jesse, and all the guys in it.
Other than that we've had no agenda today and its been super relaxing.
Which is good cause I stayed up till 4 skyping last night.
Much needed conversation and wisdom.
Not sure where/ if I'm going to church tomorrow.
Haley got here last night!
During "Welcome to Montana Night." Which was a riot.
Square dancing was the most fun I've had in a long time.
Can't wait to figure out for sure where I'm going on outreach and who my leaders are.
Really tired.
Love you all.
Night.
"Suck my fat one you cheap dime store hood." Great words for the enemy. He puts his knife away and walks back to the truck in shame every time.
While we're on the subject, everyone who has the chance should go see Tangled. Talk about a story of pursuit and seeking truth. Phew, might've gotten a little glassy eyed.
In case you're getting worried, God's been speaking to me through more than just movies. Chris Lautsbaugh gave an amazing week of lecture on Grace. He started out by giving us a thorough understanding of OT Law and how God's standard is perfection, so the only way to make it to heaven would be to sacrifice for every sinful thought, motive, or action. Then he went through the extensive process of ONE sacrifice and it was soon very tangible how utterly impossible it is to obtain God's standard.
Then we got the good news: Grace.
Jesus + anything = nothing
Jusus + nothing = everything
We try to make it Jesus plus reading the bible, missions, tithing, going to church, etc. but when we do that, we're actually getting farther from the relationship God desires. We should be doing those things out of relational desire to make our father pleased, not as a means to an end.
Chris explained this by telling us how OT slaves were slaves by choice, it was simply an agreement to live with and work for a person for 7 years for a set salary. There was the option in the legal system for the buyer of the slave to purchase a Redemption Ticket. The Redemption Ticket was bought at the same time the slave was bought and it made the slave free. The catch, however, is that the slave was not only free, but was still supplied with optional room and board and still was paid his salary! Obviously, this didn't happen very often. But thats exactly the analogy Paul uses when trying to explain Jesus to the Church in Rome:
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24.
When this did happen, in almost every case, the redeemed slave would serve their buyer by choice, in love, instead of obligation to a contract.
Yeeyuh.
This weekend has been pretty awesome. Aside from the fact that some people dont understand my introverted side and get offended when I need to be alone.
Figured out our small groups today. Siiiiked about my small group leader Jesse, and all the guys in it.
Other than that we've had no agenda today and its been super relaxing.
Which is good cause I stayed up till 4 skyping last night.
Much needed conversation and wisdom.
Not sure where/ if I'm going to church tomorrow.
Haley got here last night!
During "Welcome to Montana Night." Which was a riot.
Square dancing was the most fun I've had in a long time.
Can't wait to figure out for sure where I'm going on outreach and who my leaders are.
Really tired.
Love you all.
Night.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
DTS Day 4
Hello MaryGrace. Probably the only person who will read this and make me post more. But just in case you're not MG... I'm in Montana doing a Discipleship Training School and it's radical.
I've boiled it down to the fact that everyone is so amazing and selfless that it doesn't really matter where we are or what we're doing, everything is good.
We figured out our possible countries for outreach today (!!!) but I haven't heard a final word from anyone yet so I'm waiting to talk. I'll probably know by tomorrow?
Other than that, people have started getting in the groove. Conversations have moved from, "So where you from" and "Why'd you choose Montana?" to figuring out each other's personalities (I'm an otter apparently) and learning how to listen to God's voice. Baby steps.
Oh, and I have a penny in my shoe. It's pretty weird, but it definitely works. We're supposed to pray every time we feel it so that we can get in tune with hearing God's voice.
YOU FEEL IT A LOT.
I definitely feel more in tune. But acting out what God has been telling me to do has proved very difficult. I'm getting better though.
Pray for me to be steadfast and bold
I've boiled it down to the fact that everyone is so amazing and selfless that it doesn't really matter where we are or what we're doing, everything is good.
We figured out our possible countries for outreach today (!!!) but I haven't heard a final word from anyone yet so I'm waiting to talk. I'll probably know by tomorrow?
Other than that, people have started getting in the groove. Conversations have moved from, "So where you from" and "Why'd you choose Montana?" to figuring out each other's personalities (I'm an otter apparently) and learning how to listen to God's voice. Baby steps.
Oh, and I have a penny in my shoe. It's pretty weird, but it definitely works. We're supposed to pray every time we feel it so that we can get in tune with hearing God's voice.
YOU FEEL IT A LOT.
I definitely feel more in tune. But acting out what God has been telling me to do has proved very difficult. I'm getting better though.
Pray for me to be steadfast and bold
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